Beautiful Crossovers and Mouth to Mouth
by Samluvsbanana
Summary: UPDATED Jack agrees to help destroy the one ring but will his help be appreciated. Legolas and Will begin a catfight over a lady and the hobbits discover a new hero.
1. The Insanity Begins

**Disclaimer: Samluvsbanana and Jacquelin Sparrow, who are the cowriters of this insanity, own nothing but the plot. **

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The Black Pearl was clearly lost; of course, Captain Jack Sparrow didn't want to admit this. (Men asking for directions and all that rot.) He kept ignoring Annamaria's prodding to stop at the nearest port and ask where they were, until Marty the Midget screamed from the crow's nest:  
"What the bloody blazes is that!"  
The crew rushed to the prow of the ship, pushing for a spot so that they could see what the fuss was about. Two huge statues loomed up in front of them, flanking the shores of the wide river in which they had found themselves. Annamaria gave Jack a mighty punch in the arm which prompted Will to ask if he deserved it.  
"I told you we were lost," Annamaria hissed. "Clearly this is not the Caribbean."  
"We're not lost; we're simply traveling unknown horizons." Jake stated confidently.  
  
The Fellowship sailed gallantly down the Anduin River, confident now in the quest they had to fulfill. But suddenly out of the mist sailed something of which none of the eight had ever seen the like.  
Frodo pointed and exclaimed, "That looks like one of Gandalf's ship- shaped smoke rings." Tears welled suddenly in his large blue eclipse-like eyes at the thought of his beloved friend.

"Gandalf!" He exclaimed in a barely audible voice. (Audio formatting is a pain, you know.)  
At this, of course, the other three hobbits (who sadly were not Elijah Wood) simultaneously burst into tears.  
"Oh, come on you guys," scolded Legolas, as he handed out tissues from his on-the-go Beauty Paque. "We can't keep touching up that make-up every five minutes!"  
"What make-up," Frodo whimpered wiping at a curiously pink cheek.  
Strider looking on in disgust suddenly noticed a familiar figure aboard the strange ship.

"Hey Leggy," he called. "That guy is as pretty as you."  
Legolas quickly turned (with a hair flip second only to that of a Charlie's Angel) and glared at the manly ranger.

"No one is prettier than I am."  
This of course began a light scuffle between our rugged hero and the elf.

Jack watched with a confused expression as a blonde pretty-boy, and a man whose ruggedness rivaled his own, began to throw punches across their tiny canoes. He tapped Will on the shoulder. "Hey, mate that eunuch looks like you."  
Will immediately turned to look (with a hair flip eerily similar to that which Legolas employed only moments before) and saw the alarming tussle.

"Perhaps we could ask them for directions," Will remarked sensibly.  
  
"Real men don't ask for directions," Jack replied. Annamaria smirked keeping her comments to herself. Will glared at the pirate crew and hailed the group.  
  
The Hobbits who were still in the midst of their pity party, looked up to see who was trying to get their attention. Gimli sat serenely in the midst of it all, still in the euphoria gained from his three strands of Galadriel's hair. Borimir, who had been watching Legolas and Strider exchange blows with some amusement, slapped Strider on the back of the head to get his attention. The newly unconscious ranger sank into the depths of the river.  
  
Jack viewing this catastrophe, looked around at his crew, sighed heavily, removed his personal affects and dove into the water rather gracefully. Seconds later, the two emerged, soaking wet, onto the shores of the Anduin. Despite the lack of a corset, Jack noticed that his latest rescue was not breathing. Unsettled at the prospect of administering mouth to mouth to another man (especially one with stubble) the pirate captain hailed the rangers friends.

"You! Blonde eunuch! Come here and help your friend."  
The Hobbits, who were still to scared to move, remained huddled in their boats. However, Legolas rowed gaily to the shore, leaping gracefully from his canoe. After glancing about to ensure that everyone had seen his physical prowess, the woodland elf knelt at Strider's side.

"No breath comes. He will surely die." He said dramatically.

"Will, we've got a new king of stating the obvious." Jack shouted back to the Pearl.

"Someone must breathe for him." Legolas stated matter-of-factly.

"That's why I called you over here mate. Savvy!!" Jack said gesturing toward Strider prone form.  
Legolas, not enthralled by having to put his mouth to another man's, especially not one so dirty and ITCHY, knew his duty nonetheless. But, as he was preparing to do the deed, Arwen rode from the trees on Glorfindel's horse.

"What's this!"Arwen shouted. "A ranger caught off his guard? What did you do to him?" She demanded of Jack before administering a ringing slap.  
Jack awkwardly stepped backward as Will shouted from the ship. "Did you also deserve that one?"  
Jack who was now as unconscious as the prone Strider, did not dignify this with a response. Meanwhile, Arwen had puffed life back into our masculine hero.  
Directly after this, Glorfindel emerged from the forest on foot in an elflike rage directed primarily at Arwen.

"First they replace me with the pretty-boy, then they replace me with you, and now you steal my horse! It's my horse, _mine**; my own**_; _my preciousssssssssssss."  
_ "Hey," Frodo shouted from afar. "That's my line. _Mine. **My own**. My Prec....."_  
Before Frodo even had the chance to finish Gollum hopped from the Anduin onto the anchored Pearl.

_"My Preciousssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss!!"_  
Jack, just recovering from his own bout with unconsciousness, looked about him in askance.

"Of all the places we could end, up it had to be here in the bloody funny farm!"  
Glorfindel quickly chased Arwen back into the trees and Cotton's parrot urged Gollum back into the water.

**A/N:** **This is dedicated to the honorable J. R. R. Tolkien, (who is no doubt spinning in his grave) and to _Captain_ Jack Sparrow, who (if he were real) would be basking in the glow of his manly anti-heroness. **

**Please review! By: Jacquelin Sparrow and Samluvsbanana (I get first billing down here, since samluvsbanana got it at the top)**

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	2. The Insanity Continues

**Disclaimer: Sadly we own nothing but the plot. **

**A/N: Samluvsbanana and Jacquelin Sparrow apologize for the delay. We hope you will forgive us. We'll give you a cookie!!! **

"My thanks good man for my life," Strider said gratefully with a companionable slap of Jack's shoulder.

Jack still wary of his surroundings reclaimed his effects from Will who had disembarked and turned to Strider while futzing with his hat. "Think nothing of it, mate. Happens all the time."

"We would be eternally grateful if you would accompany us on our quest," Strider offered.

Jack suddenly uncomfortable with the many pairs of eyes pinned upon him, eyed Strider warily. "What sort of quest would that be exactly," He inquired.

"We're on our way to destroy the One ring!" Pippin blurted out with his usual over zealousness.

Jack and Will exchange a confused glance as Merry and Sam shoved Pippen with more violence than strictly necessary.

"Why would you want to be destroying a ring," questioned Jack.

Frodo stepped forward his face grave "Because its evil," he said quietly. "It corrupts all those who touch it or even gaze upon it."

Jack thought about this for a moment "Sounds a bit like the ladies at the _Faithful Bride_ aye Will."

Will grimaced in agreement.

"Let's have a look at it, mate." Frodo unwillingly relinquished the ring to Jack but kept a close eye on it as Jack peered at the trinket with great interest. The Fellowship watched in horror as Jack slipped the ring on his finger BUT to everyone's amazement he did not disappear.

"That's interesting!" Jack murmured while the others looked at him in amazement.

"The ring does not corrupt him," noted Legolas to Will.

"Perhaps he has already been corrupted enough," Will replied. Legolas eyed Jack in distaste and took a half step away from the pirate pair.

Sam who was watching the ordeal from a distance, drew his sword and stepped gallantly into Jack's path. "Give the ring back to Mister Frodo or you will have to deal with me." Immediately Merry and Pippin follow suit while Jack gave them an implacable look.

"All right little masters, no worries," Jack soothed as he pulled off the ring and handed it back to Frodo. "Makes my fingers tingle anyway." Jack turned back towards Strider and smiled slyly. "I still don't know what all this fuss is about but I'm up for an adventure. What say you Will?"

"Ay! Avast!" Will replied enthusiastically.

The group eyed him askance for a moment before Legolas once again had the urge to state the obvious. "The sun sets. Darkness is falling. We must find shelter."

Jack glanced sidelong at the elf then sidled to Strider's side. "That's going to get annoying. Is he always like this?"

"Indeed he is," Strider answered in a longsuffering tone.

"Then for heaven's sake why do you keep him around?" Jack hissed.

Strider only shrugged, "His presence enhances my manliness and besides he is the only one who can do Gimli's hair."

"You need to find yourself a girl mate. Did wonders for my friend Will here. Although he serves much the same purpose as your eunuch friend."

Strider snickered and left with Borimir to scare up some game.

Meanwhile, as Gimli gathered firewood, Jack held the hobbits enraptured with his tales of piracy.

"And then," he said with a flourish. "They made me their chief." Pippin smiled dreamily as Frodo's baby blues opened even wider. (Close-up on the eyes here)

On the other side of the campsite, Legolas and Will had come to an accord.

"This conditioner," Legolas exclaimed, securing another of Will's dark locks in a sponge curler "will not only make your hair shine, it will prevent dandruff and leave your hair smelling like apple blossoms."

"Really!" Will said hopefully while flipping through the pages of _The Elf Within._ Suddenly a new character made herself known. "William Turner!" Elizabeth exclaimed. "I can't believe you went and left me sleeping on a ship with a bunch of bloody pirates!"

Will startled and rather frightened, tossed the magazine over his shoulder and began yanking curlers from his hair ("You have to leave them in until they set," Legolas exclaimed.)

"Oh! Hello," Elizabeth said demurely noticing Legolas for the first time. "Have we met before?"

"Elizabeth," Will inquired hesitantly.

"You must introduce me to your new friend, William," Elizabeth told him.

Legolas waiting for no introduction glided gracefully in front of Will and took Elizabeth's hand into his own. "I, lovely maiden," he said awarding her hand with a kiss. "am Legolas, elven prince of the Woodland realm."

Elizabeth dimpled at him shyly. "Lovely to meet you, good sir."

Legolas grinned "Skin such as yours, my lady should not be neglected. Would you allow me to show you the elven technique for keeping skin soft and supple?"

By this point Elizabeth was hanging on his every word. "That would be wonderful."

Legolas pulled her hand through his arm with a wink as Will's mouth fell open. "Elizabeth!" he began in shock but neither party would listen to him.

Gimli, seeing that Will was dismayed, sought to comfort him somehow. "The elf did that to me once to laddie. Every maid seems captured by his charm no matter how debonair the competition. I really don't know what they see in him." The two watched in resentful silence as Legolas sectioned Elizabeth's hair for braiding.

Jack, out of tales to keep the hobbits' interest watched this scene with amused empathy as he poked through Strider's things hoping to find a bit of rum. The hobbits meanwhile were poking through the effects of their new hero _Captain_ Jack Sparrow. Disappointed with his search Jack reached back to retrieve his discarded hat only to find a hobbit dangling from the rim. Pippin smiled merrily "Hullo."

Jack glared at the Halfling, shaking his hat until Pippin was obliged to let go. He then stalked over to where the other three were discovering that Jack's great coat was far to long for Frodo to wear.

"Let's get something straight mates. No one messes with the effects of Captain Jack Sparrow! Savvy!"

The hobbits stared at him with mingled fear and admiration. "Can hobbits be pirates too." Merry asked wistfully.

"Only if they can provide me with rum," Jack answered.

"What about ale? Will that work?" asked Frodo hopefully.

"Yes, it comes in pints you know," chimed in Pippin.

Jack grunted noncommittally and found a quiet spot to sulk about his rumlessness.

After watching Legolas shampoo AND condition his beloved's hair, Will had had about enough of the flirtatious elf. He stalked over to the giggling pair. "Now look here you pointy eared womanizer. Not only are you stealing the affections of my fiancée but you promised to condition my hair first," exclaimed the enraged blacksmith. With that Will drew his sword and Legolas readied his bow just as Strider and Borimir returned with dinner.

"Legolas! What is your quarrel with our new ally?" Strider admonished.

Jack finally noted the unfolding confrontation and swaggered over to the campfire. "Don't do anything stupid, mate."

"Stop, both of you. This is childish. My heart is mine to give to whom I will." Elizabeth stalks away from the campfire and heads into the woods.

"Is dinner ready?" Jack inquired.

The other men agreed that dinner was probably a good idea for the moment.


End file.
